Last week I went to see the Halle orchestra perform. They were phenomenal. Of course they were – for anyone who isn’t familiar with them, they are arguably one of the best orchestras in the world. It’s years since I’ve been to a classical concert and it has made me realise how much I miss playing. There are a few local orchestras I have been invited to audition for but I keep putting it off – why would they want me? (Now this bit is important – the people who invited me have already heard me play… which is why they invited me). Which brings me to today’s post.

I didn’t pursue a career in music because why would anyone want to listen to me play? I was surrounded by people with so much more talent and were more worthy of that place in the conservatoire than I was. At the end of my Computing degree I turned down an opportunity to have a research paper published because why would anyone want to read my paper? Who was I to think my work should be placed next to extremely well-respected academics’ studies? I turned down the opportunity to study for a PhD for the same reason. I didn’t apply for jobs I really wanted because why would those companies want to employ me? There were so many people who had more experience and deserved the job much more than I did. Writing all this down – it sounds ridiculous, but in my head it made (and still makes) perfect sense.

But why does it make so much sense? I like receiving feedback and, dare I say it, straight-up criticism (preferably of the constructive variety). My ego does not bruise easily, I don’t take comments personally, I am very aware that there is much room for improvement and I am not afraid to fail as long as I can learn from it. I am, however, terrified of letting people down. So terrified, in fact, that I very often don’t take those chances and just put things off – I don’t want to audition for a seat in an orchestra and perform badly when someone has personally recommended me. I lose sleep and agonise over not being able to solve a coding challenge that someone has set for me.

It took until my late thirties to figure out that most people have imposter syndrome at some point. For years I thought it was only me, that everybody else was brimming full of confidence and never doubted themselves or their choices, but the more I have chatted to people about imposter syndrome the more people tell me that they feel exactly the same way. I don’t have a magic wand and I am never going to fully get rid of that nagging, doubtful voice in my head, but I am getting better at managing it. Ironically it has involved embracing it as part of who I am and learning how and when to use it against itself. These are a few things that are helping me at the moment.

Number one – try not to believe what the voice in your head is saying. This seems to be the main piece of advice given when talking about imposter syndrome and it is also what I struggle with the most. I have lost count of the number of times I’ve been having a really positive day when that inner voice pipes up and drags me back down. I wouldn’t dream of speaking to anyone the way that voice speaks to me so why do I do it to myself? I really don’t have an answer for this one yet. Trying to ignore it didn’t help, combatting it with reason and logic just made it worse, so at the moment I’m trying the screw-you method, which involves shouting back (silently when in public) and having the attitude of a stroppy teenager.

Number two – believe other people when they encourage you. I’m not sure why I convince myself that people are setting me up to fail, or laugh at me, or are just saying positive things to make me feel better about myself – generally they actually are rooting for you. Whether they truly want to help you out of kindness or whether your success will make them look good is irrelevant – they genuinely want you to do well and that is why you should listen to them and take their advice. A recruitment consultant was encouraging me to apply for a role. I said to her, “they won’t want to employ me.” Her response: “That’s their decision, not yours. Your decision is whether they are the right fit for you. I am sending your CV in and you are going to do the interview.” I got the job.

Number three – ask “what’s the worst that could happen?” Is anyone going to die? Doubtful. I’m not a surgeon, electrician, mechanic, rocket scientist or similar, generally the worst that could happen is that I’ll fail. And that does not necessarily equate to letting anyone down.

Number four – do it anyway. I don’t like the idea of “fake it ’til you make it”, I’m sure it works for a lot of people but to me it feels wrong to actually be a bit of an imposter while trying to quash imposter syndrome – it’s validating the things that inner voice says. Instead I’m being honest with myself and acknowledging that I have doubts but at the same time following through with the aforementioned screw-you approach. The more I make myself do the better – even if things don’t quite go to plan, I’ll still lose sleep over it but it’s an opportunity to learn and do better next time.

As I’m typing this I’m being shouted at (“no-one cares what you think”, “why should anyone listen to you”, “who do you think you are”) but I’m going to stick two fingers up to that voice and do it anyway. Is anyone going to die? Will the world end? I doubt it. More importantly – am I letting anyone down by publishing this? No. So here we go…